Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Awaiting a breakthrough

I find myself on hold as number 1 - 1 - 9 in the sars helpdesk call centre... its of course my own fault for not remembering to do this a loooooooong time ago and now of course as is customary for me i have forgotten my password!!!
I hope i can get this done quickly and get on with my life, its just irritating to have to do this but i know its whats needs to be done.

They then said they couldnt help me so gave me another number - surprise surprise those people cant help me so they put the phone down on me!!!!

I start again I a now number 1 - 2 - 3 in the cue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

im sorry :-(

I would like to apologise for my awful spew of negativity this morning i will try better from tomorrow

ok ok enough of the morbidity!!!

Ok so i have to apologise for my horrible post this morning!!

Im fine really just seriously struggling but ill be ok i promise!!

Things on my side of the valley are not all roses but its not all thorns either so im really trying to be a bit more positive...

and on that positive note, my kitchen floor is finally done. The long story that i will not subject you to is that 3 years ago when we bought the house i disliked the kitchen not just becouse we had to move the furniture so that Angel mans father could get through the kitchen to the rest of the house. But also becouse most of the kitchen cupboards were false cupboards and the real cupboard doors didnt have handles... so obviousy if you know me i proceeded to rip out most of the cupboards- ok fine all of them and then found that they had neglected to tile under the counters... so then i ripped out the tiles which lead to a huge mess!!

Anyway we got someone in to put coloured cement screed on and it looks great. Besides the purple and green floors and the new door frame not finished but hey at least we finally did something...
high five me!!

Lifes funny

Isnt life just so funny - just when you think your doing ok and you can carry on your happy way. . . You wake up and you feel like a ten ton truck has driven over you.
I know i know i should be doing something about it but i feel like my brain is stuck in some kind of weird neutral and i just cant get it back into gear!!
The play therapy is helping Angel boy and I tremendously and i think he is just behaving more like a normal busy boy with not nearly as many up, up uuuuuuuuuuuup moods and i can manage with him more too. The problem is im still feeling huge guilt on feeling like a total failure and just dealing with the normal day to day issues seems to be a big deal... i cant even think what to make for supper without some kind of intervention on most days! The basic resentment and feeling of not achieving what i set out to achieve is drowing me more and more each day. I cant talk about it becouse i feel like im a total loser for feeling like this and i dont want to hurt anyones feelings so i just try my best to keep it to myself but i dont know if im achieving that at all.
I realy wish that i could just go back and start again... but now i get to have the equal guilt of wondering if i had that chance how would my life have turned out? Would Angel man and i have found one another would i still have had kids at all how could i deny my father his grandchildren before he died... eugh i hate myself even looking at this total mess of emotions that is such a useless atempt at nothingness. I should just shut the fuck up!