Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Time heals! Really?

Well here we are, or rather tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary (that seems like the wrong word) of the death of my father....
i must be honest im really sad. But its more than sad, my entire family is still in as much turmoil as a year ago if not more. Most of the time it feels like my insides are tearing apart and nothing i seem to do seems to help.
I dont honestly think that time heals...someone told me that its not time that heals but time that gives us the chance to accept it a little bit more.
The idea of feeling like this forever is horrible and i feel even worse when i think of my mom. She is not dealing with it at all. Just keeping it together for my sisters sake, especially for my little sister who has totally fallen apart...
I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy... to lose someone suddenly in my mind is better than them fading away, we have a granny who is losing her mind to dementia and i have to rally myself to visit... but to lose someone at all is the worst feeling in the world becouse you never treat people the way you should when they are alive and all you can do is deal with the guilt and regret of that realisation after they are gone and its too late to do anything about it.