Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Lifes funny

Isnt life just so funny - just when you think your doing ok and you can carry on your happy way. . . You wake up and you feel like a ten ton truck has driven over you.
I know i know i should be doing something about it but i feel like my brain is stuck in some kind of weird neutral and i just cant get it back into gear!!
The play therapy is helping Angel boy and I tremendously and i think he is just behaving more like a normal busy boy with not nearly as many up, up uuuuuuuuuuuup moods and i can manage with him more too. The problem is im still feeling huge guilt on feeling like a total failure and just dealing with the normal day to day issues seems to be a big deal... i cant even think what to make for supper without some kind of intervention on most days! The basic resentment and feeling of not achieving what i set out to achieve is drowing me more and more each day. I cant talk about it becouse i feel like im a total loser for feeling like this and i dont want to hurt anyones feelings so i just try my best to keep it to myself but i dont know if im achieving that at all.
I realy wish that i could just go back and start again... but now i get to have the equal guilt of wondering if i had that chance how would my life have turned out? Would Angel man and i have found one another would i still have had kids at all how could i deny my father his grandchildren before he died... eugh i hate myself even looking at this total mess of emotions that is such a useless atempt at nothingness. I should just shut the fuck up!

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