i cant stop thinking about the things I should have said...

Well its just after six on a public holiday morning. Iv gotten up to write this post because my head has been writing it for days and I cant sleep :-(

The week started with one event that gave birth to the name of the post and then continues to run in that theme - don't you love it when that happens??

So Monday I had a second interview at a new company. The week before Id met the Head of the sales department and had basically bowled him over - he is an old friend ;-) in his words my cv was a train wreck for the most part but that he was overwhelmingly surprised by me....we haven't seen each other in over 14 years!
so that was good - when asked me to come in the following week for an interview with someone he had described as a 'ball crusher' i was SCARED. I spent the week analysing my answers to his questions and thinking of things to add in case they asked them again. Thinking of other possible questions they may ask, studying my cv so I don't make any mistakes on dates and things like that.
When I got there it was weird. the guy interviewing me is one of those 'coaching/mentor' types who don't actually ask questions but rather make statements. the questions he did ask were directly linked to my cv I have a 'motivational letter' on the front page of my cv. So he asked why do i say i work smart and not hard and then go from banking to my own business to rental sales to accounting software and then advertising...?" stuff like that.

It was a hard interview because i spent most of it feeling like i wasn't saying the right thing. Why did i leave the accounting software company? why didn't I just suck it up and stay there? why did i go into advertising instead of look for a job in software? why am i leaving the company im at now? is it as bad as i make it out to be in my head?
The entire week iv had this going round and round in my head - am i as good a sales person as i think i am? do i give up too easily? what am I supposed to be doing with my life? you are 32 years old and your still not happy with your career!!!


Then on Wednesday i got to work and turned on my laptop put facebook on - you know its like a drug right?? And I was reading the days thread and looked on the top right hand corner, were that mini thread is and saw someones status saying how sorry he was for the family of - ill call him MM and what a massive shock it was. He only used his first name so my immediate thought was please dong be MM please don't be MM while i raced to get to MM's page. and there it was... MM had died that night in a car accident!!!


I was in high school with MM he was the loveliest boy in the school and he used to let me listen to his walk man playing South African music artists like Karma. Before that I had no idea there were musicians in South Africa. (I know, i may have been a bit blonde ok ;-)
In his kindness he made me a tape of Karma that I still have...I found him on Facebook a few weeks ago and meant to thank him for his kindness- you see in high school being kind to me could be a death sentence!!
Anyway I never did and now I never can thank him :-(
Its not like we were best buds or anything but I'm so sad! He has a wife and two children I think they are both under 5 Grief is a vicious animal and no one deserves to feel the way it makes you feel.
So so so sad - almost too sad!!!

then yesterday saw another school friend had lost his 5 month old daughter. For some reason his estranged wife had dropped the kids off at Bethany house - basically the welfare and the next day the child was dead. He didn't know they had been taken there and they didn't know how she had died she was apparently not sick!!!

Just so much sadness.

My Christmas tree stands virtually bare - we have misplaced the box they were in. We have no lights and there is now NO Christmas vibe at all!!

I'm trying to keep a happy face on Its my Angel Boys actual birthday on Sunday he is turning 6! I cant believe that 6 years has flown so quickly, it makes me terrified, I don't want time to go so quickly and I keep grabbing him and his sister hugging them close and breathing 'I love you so muches' into there ears!!
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Its a sad sad December!